Forming the Inner Adult
by Stephen Cocconi
Everyone I've ever met has a "Wounded Inner Child (WIC)." This, judging from
the extremely immature and irrational ways that "grown-ups" treat each other,
no matter what strata or cross-section of society you are taking about. Humankind
is in need of real healing. It begins when we grow out of the WIC, evolving
the attributes of the "Magical Child" (awe, wonder, presence) into the wise
and compassionate "Inner Adult."
Let's not to reprimand the "inner child" concept . But are you defeating
your own long-term healing and accomplishments? It is absolutely necessary
that we understand that the reverse form of inner child abuse is self-indulgence .
Most people mistake it for healthy self-care. Many have used the excuse of
the WIC to unleash what I call the "Bratty Inner Child (BIC)." The BIC is
defiant, rebellious, and self-righteous. These characteristics then masquerade
as confidence and labeled as personal power. You can identify the BIC because
its statements and decisions are charged with emotion: usually fear or anger.
Also, the phrasing or actions of the BIC are always defensive and blaming.
We've all seen business people, teachers, and politicians act in these very
ways. We of the healing arts are not exempt.
Inside of a fully grown body, the BIC is usually protected by or fights with
the "Inner Parent." Both of them, needing to be right, will present a facade
to the world that looks in control. When in the presence of the Parent or
BIC, you will feel ill-at-ease or threatened instead of inspired. Much is
written about the nature of "inner child", but very little about it's offspring
the Inner Adult. Presented here is a list of those attributes.
The Adult:
- Has the ability to make and keep reasonable agreements with
themselves and others.
- Can forestall short-term gratification
in order to achieve a long-term goal.
- Knows reasonable proportional
responses: i.e. doesn't blow-up when the something small happens.
- Can
differentiate between his/her responsibilities and those of others.
- Fears are based upon real world concerns, and not inner dialogues
or possible scenarios of the past.
- Can set boundaries and knows
when to say no.
- Knows when risk is appropriate.
- Relies on internal
authority and ethics when making decisions.
- Confronts
issues with a willingness to compromise a position if appropriate
and yet can stand for principles that are genuinely felt.
- Is willing
to change a position when new, clearer, more accurate information
or experience becomes available.
- Can change his/her behavior
when a strategy continues to produce the same negative result.
- Is
willing to have their
emotions and doesn't
self-judge inappropriately.
- Is capable of doing things for others
without feeling resentful, obligated, or for specific personal
gain.
- Takes reasonable care of their body and does not overly indulge
or rigidly discipline themselves.
- Knows how to accomplish
tasks within a reasonable period of time. This might include
asking others with appropriate knowledge or expertise to assist, without
fear of rejection or shame of not knowing.
- Can put their own
feelings aside when another is in greater turmoil or need.
- Knows
to communicate pertinent information without getting into
story or defense about it. (ex. a building catches on fire - the
adult says "there
is a fire." The child
runs
in and says "I
didn't
do it" even
before
they mention the blaze.)
- Is
genuinely kind
and respectful of the rights
of
another human being, but does
not
placate, pretend,
or deny his/her own real
feelings
if asked about them.
- Is
culpable for actions they
themselves
do, or those that
they
could have reasonably prevented
others
from doing. This includes
making
reasonable and proportional
amends
to the other person
for
problems that
were created due to your action.
- Knows
how and when to say a
genuine "I'm
sorry",
without
making
it
sound
sarcastic
or
cold.
This
means
you
take
responsibility
for
portion
of
the
problems
you
have
caused
another
person.
Apology
means
compassion
for
them,
not
pity
for
yourself
having
made
a
mistake.
This inventory or statements is a good tool for assessing where your inner
child or inner parent is ruling you, and how well, in any given moment, you
are being directed from your mature adult Self.
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